And So They Return
by Carbuncle
Summary: The Mayor of Midgar decides to deport all illegal immigrants from the City. When it is revealed that Cloud is an illegal alien, he and Tifa try to apply for a visa, only to be rejected. It is then that Tifa comes up with a brilliant plan to avoid Cloud ge


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
And So They Return  
  
(Open to the Sector 7 Slums, 7th Heaven. Tifa walks up the porch steps, puts the key in the door and unlocks it. She then turns the handle and walks inside.)  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa walks in and turns on the lights. Cid is fast asleep at the table.)  
Tifa: Cid?  
Cid: Zzz... Zzz...  
Tifa: (taps him lightly on the shoulder) ...Cid??  
Cid: (wakes up with a start) Don't touch my booty!!  
Tifa: (jumps back) Waaa!  
Cid: Huh? Oh, Tifa, it's just you. Man, my head hurts...  
Tifa: Cid, have you been up all night playing cards with your poker buddies again?  
Cid: Damned straight! (sits up) Oh, I tell ya, Tifa, that was some night I had. Lemme set the scene for ya...  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar, the previous night. Cid, Solid Snake, Ryudo (from Grandia 2), Zidane Tribal and Jak & Daxter are sitting at the table, playing cards.)  
Cid: Okay, three kings, guys. (lays out his cards) Read 'em and weep!  
Daxter: Aw, nuts! (grabs Jak by the collar) We almost won that time, Jak! (starts shaking Jak) We almost won!  
Solid Snake: Wait a second. Did you just say you've got three kings?  
Cid: Say? Snake, I've jus' laid the damn things out across the table! Get your freakin' eyes tested!  
Guybrush Threepwood: (stumbles over to the table) Uh, Cid? We're all out of grog!  
Cid: Who cares?! I've just won a game of poker here! Now, lemme see that moolah, guys! (the guys pass their money over to him) American dollars? Gold? Precursor Orbs? What the...?! I can't spend these! (gets up and points to the door) Get outta here, you dogs!  
  
(Cut back to the bar.)  
Cid: I sometimes think God must hate pilots. Either that, or he gets off on torturing them.  
Cloud: (from the basement) Oh. My. God. (walks in with a newspaper) You guys are not going to believe this.  
Cid: What's up, spikey? You find out there is no Santa Claus?  
Cloud: (chokes) Yes, as if there is no Santa Claus! (holds the newspaper up into the air) Look at this! (the headline reads: "City Girl Murdered in Cold Blood")  
Cid: Holy rock-a-fella!  
Tifa: Let me see that. (reads the paper) Local city girl Aeris Gainsborough--oh my God--was murdered last night outside Midgar City Hall. As of yet, police have no leads as to who could have been responsible for such a heinous act.  
Cid: Jeez, that's awful. Just awful.  
Cloud: What? What the hell're you looking at? (looks at the front page briefly) No, not that! Read the text below it!  
Tifa: What? (a non-related article reads: "City Called to Deport Illegal Immigrants") So? None of us are illegal aliens. Except for that PuPu who moved in last week.  
  
(Cut to the upstairs' bedroom. A PuPu (from FFVIII) is laying on the bed. It is reading a teenage magazine.)  
PuPu: (reading) "Always use a condom." (laughs) Oh, I get it! That's a good one!  
  
(Cut back to the bar.)  
Cloud: Are you some kind of sicko, Tifa?! Technically, we're all illegal immigrants! You and I both originate from Nibelheim, in case you'd forgotten! And... And Cid here's a bonafide Rocket Townsman!  
Cid: Excuse me, but "Rocket Townsman"? That doesn't sound right. That doesn't sound right at all.  
Cloud: Barrett moved here from North Corel. Red's a Canyon boy. The... The list goes on and on. In fact, none of us are REALLY genuine Midgarians!  
Tifa: Look, Cloud, don't panic so much. So we're not officially Midgarians born and breed, but we've lived here most of our lives.  
Cloud: Six years, Tifa! Six years!  
Tifa: Besides, we all have a visa. (Cloud stutters and panicks) You... do have a visa, don't you Cloud?  
Cloud: Well, uh, technically, yes, but in a more accurate way... no.  
Tifa: What?! You don't have a visa?!  
Cloud: Well, no. I didn't really think there was any point in getting one. I mean, I didn't intend to shack up and take roots here. I didn't think I'd ever be in the same place for too long, since I was a member of SOLDIER after all, and we all know how much they get around. They never stick around in one place for more than a few days.  
Tifa: Yes, but when you left SOLDIER-  
Cid: Left? Didn't he get kicked out?  
Tifa: -to take up residence in Midgar, didn't you think to get a visa?!  
Cloud: You know me, Tifa. Thinking isn't my strong point.  
Cid: Don't we all know it.  
Cloud: I suppose I should've mentioned this sooner, huh?  
Tifa: Oh, yes. I think so.  
Barrett: (walks in) Hey, did you guys hear the news?  
Cid: You mean about the Mayor's decision to deport all of the city's illegal immigrants?  
Barrett: No, the news about that poor girl from the slums! Miss What's-her-face?  
Cid: Yeah. We heard about Aeris. Maybe we should send her mother some flowers.  
Tifa: Ugh! We've got more important things to worry about here!  
Barrett: Am I missin' somethin'?  
Cid: Apart from your Gs?  
Tifa: Barrett, terrible news. Cloud doesn't have a visa. He's basically an illegal immigrant.  
Barrett: ...then why don't he jus' get a damn visa?  
Tifa: Because... oh, I didn't think of that. Come on, Cloud.  
Cloud: Aw! Can't I watch "Natural Causes" first? Today's the day Bradford finds out about his wife's sleazy affair with the mechanic from Tyler's Street. It's sure to be one hell of an episode.  
Tifa: ...just get your coat. I'll be in the car.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 8 Slums, the Midgar Migration Services (MMS). Cloud and Tifa walk in through the main doors. The hall is crowded with lots of different people.)  
Cloud: Aw, man! This place is packed to the gils! Can't we come back another time?  
Tifa: No, we can't. We're going to get this sorted out right now.  
Cloud: Somehow I doubt that'll be possible. This... This place is less organized that the Super Villains' Society.  
  
(Cut to the Super Villains' Society. Kefka, Sephiroth, Ultimecia and Kuja are all sitting around a table.)  
Kuja: All right, people. I have a plan so evil, so typically Kuja, that it is bound to succeed. Listen if you will. I propose we summon, that's right, summon a meteor from outer space to collide with the Earth-  
Sephiroth: (coughs) I'm sorry to interrupt, my dear Kuja, but we have already attempted that plan, and it failed miserably.  
Kuja: ...right, right, okay then. Uh, all right. How about... we compress time and-  
Ultimecia: (coughs) That, also, has been done.  
Kuja: Really?  
Ultimecia: Yes.  
Kuja: Jesus, people! I haven't been a member of this stupid society for as long as you have! Throw me a frickin' bone here! All right, all right! Why don't we just stick to the simple stuff and hold the world to ransom for the massive total of... ONE MILLION GIL!  
Kefka: Hold the world to ransom for what exactly?! That stupid scheme doesn't even make sense, Kuja!  
Kuja: That's it! I resign!  
  
(Cut back to the MMS.)  
Tifa: Yes, uh, my friend here would like to apply for a visa to stay in this country, if he may.  
Employee: I'm afraid that isn't possible. We are not allowed to hand out visas to anyone due to the Mayor's request.  
Tifa: You what?!  
Employee: Sorry. (closes the hatch)  
Cloud: Now what?  
Tifa: ...I have no idea.  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the basement. Barrett and Cid are watching TV. Barrett grabs the remote and turns the TV off.)  
Barrett: Man, what an endin'!  
Cid: I'll say. I wonder what Bradford's gonna do now that his wife's pregnant with another man's kid.  
Barrett: Probably the same thin' I'd do - celebrate!  
Cloud: (he and Tifa walk in) What'd I miss?!  
Cid: Three fist fights, five major plot twists, and a softcore porn scene.  
Cloud: (sits down next to Cid) Damn!  
Cid: Did ya get your visa problem sorted out?  
Tifa: Unfortunately, no. It seems no one's allowed to apply for a visa due to the Mayor's wishes.  
Cid: Well that's a bitch! Whatcha gonna do now, spikey?  
Cloud: Move on, I guess...  
Barrett: (stands up) It was certainly nice knowin' ya, Cloud. We've had some fun times t'gether, huh?  
Cloud: Yeah. Except for that time you... no, no, forget it. That's too rude.  
Cid: The place won't be the same without you, that's for damn sure.  
Cloud: Aw, thanks Cid!  
Cid: For a start, there'll be a lot more hot water, and less cookie crumbs on the couch. (slouches back on the couch) Man, life without you is gonna be sweet.  
Tifa: Wait a minute... I have an idea!  
Cid: Oh, nertz!  
Tifa: Cloud, why don't you get married? That way, you'll be classified as a genuine Midgarian citizen, and you won't have to leave the country!  
Cloud: Y'know, Tifa, that's crazy enough to work! All right then, yes! I will marry you! (hugs Tifa tightly)  
Tifa: (sweatdrop) What?! Urk! No! I wasn't actually implying that I should marry you!  
Cloud: (stops hugging her) You weren't? Oh. Then who? 'Cause, uh, Aeris is dead, y'know. And I don't think Yuffie even comes over anymore. Not after that embarrassing incident involving her, an electronic dildo and a surprise, unexpected visit from Cid...  
Cid: Hey! How the hell was I to know her orgasmic moans weren't an invitation for me to jump in the shower with her?! I'm only human here, man!  
Tifa: (shudders) Anyway, I was thinking we could get Barrett to marry you...  
Barrett: (spits out his beer) Wh...at??  
Cloud: Tifa, Tifa, please. I don't swing that way. I like girls.  
Tifa: Listen, it's very simple, Cloud. You remember that time you dressed up as a woman?  
Cloud: Oh! Yeah!  
  
(Cut to Wall Market, the restaurant. Cloud, dressed like a woman, is sitting at a table with an attractive looking man.)  
Cloud: (feminine voice) So, Bradley, am I to assume it'll be your place for coffee... (raises his eyebrow) ...or mine?  
  
(Cut back to the basement.)  
Tifa: ...uh, no. I was referring to the time you dressed up as a woman to gain access to Don Corneo's mansion.  
Cloud: Oh, oh, so was I. (nervous laugh)  
Barrett: Are you suggestin' that lover boy here dresses up like some hussy in order to marry yours truly?  
Tifa: No, I'm suggesting that YOU dress up like some hussy in order to marry HIM.  
Barrett: I... (stutters) ...I don't like the way you think.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 5 Slums, the church, the backroom. Barrett, Cloud and Tifa are there. Cloud is wearing a tuxedo, Tifa is wearing a bridesmaid dress, and Barrett is wearing drag. Tifa is adjusting Barrett's wedding dress.)  
Barrett: I... I don' know about this, Tifa. What if somethin' goes wrong?  
Tifa: Barrett, would you calm down! Nothing is going to go wrong!  
Barrett: What if someone gets suspicious?  
Tifa: The only way anyone will get suspicious is if you go out there without any lipstick. Now come on, let me see those lips.  
Barrett: Aw, man! (Tifa applies some lipstick to his lips)  
Tifa: There. All set. (looks over at Cloud) Cloud, you're supposed to wear your bow tie around your neck, not around your waist.  
Cloud: I wondered why it was so tight...  
  
(Cut to the church. Lots of people are sitting in the pews, including Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Elmyra, Mrs. Wallace (introduced in "Barrett's Parents Come to Stay"), and Shera. Cloud, Cid and Tifa are standing at the front of the church, in front of the Reverand Roland. The organ music strikes up. Barrett's father escorts him down the aisle. Marlene, as the little flower girl, is walking behind them.)  
Reverand: We are here today before the Eyes of God to witness the joining of Cloud and Barretta in holy matrimony. Cloud, do you take Barretta to be your lawful wedded wife? Do you promise to love her? To screw her? To please her in what ever way you humanly can?  
Cloud: I... do.  
Reverand: And do you, Barretta, take Cloud to be your lawful wedded husband? Do you promise to love him? To serve him? To carry out his every demand for as long as you both shall live?  
Barrett: (bluntly) I do.  
Reverand: I therefore pronounce you husband and wife. Cloud, you may kiss the bride.  
Cloud: Uh... I think I'll do it late-  
Barrett: Aw, c'mere! (kisses Cloud)  
Cloud: (coughs and spits) Eugh! Aw, sick! Blergh! #@$%^&* sickening!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Banners hung up read: "Congratulations Cloud and Barrett!". Everyone has gathered there for the wedding reception.)  
Tifa: Oh, what a fabulous day!  
Cloud: (sarcastically) Yeah, it really was the best day of my life!  
Tifa: Oh, I know it can't have been much fun, Cloud, but look at it this way: at least now you won't have to be kicked out of the country.  
Cloud: Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right, Tifa.  
Man: (walks in) Excuse me, but could I speak with a Miss Tifa Lockheart?  
Tifa: That would be me. Can I help you?  
Man: Ms. Lockheart, I'm from City Hall. We've received word that this bar is dangerously unstable due to some faulty construction work and therefore, an official public hazard.  
Tifa: What??  
Man: (presents her with a form) I'm afraid this place is to be closed down permanently. I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the premises within twenty-three hours ready for demolition.  
Tifa: What?!  
Man: I'm sorry. Mayor's orders. (leaves, then returns) By the way, are you having some kind of party here?  
Tifa: Yes. A wedding party for my friends.  
Man: Oh. Well, be sure it doesn't go on for too long. We won't hesitate to knock this place down, even if there are people still inside. Good day. (leaves)  
Cloud: ...oh, great! They're gonna tear the place down! So I got married for nothing?!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
